Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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