Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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