I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
