The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
