I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
