i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
