this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everyone says I win the strip club
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
