I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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