i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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