She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
