Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
