It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
