I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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