So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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