Moan for me like Helen Keller
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
