I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
