Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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