Please, let me fuck your mom
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
