I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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