I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
