You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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