Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
