im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
