I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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