Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My vagina is very pro this idea
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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