Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
