Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
