either way he was missing a nipple.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
