I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
