Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish I could teleport
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize