He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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