just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
