I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my being single is dangerous.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
