So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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