If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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