dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
