I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
