I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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