I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
