New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
