i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
