Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you had me at cake vodka
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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