The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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