what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
