Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
