I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
