I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
