Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Randomize
