so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
