Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
