the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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