I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
