Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
