He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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