Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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