Kiss
Puke
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
