Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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