happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
