Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
