last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
