I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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