just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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